Free To Pee
From Wazoo In Effigy
Free To Pee
Sitting dead center in the record’s comic stretch, this is Rose at his most audacious: a full five-minute argument built around a man who can’t find a legal place to relieve himself, and the nerve is half the fun. It opens exactly where it ends, with a muttered ‘Damn. Be right back,’ and in between he runs a full mock-courtroom at a scrambling clip, the electric-piano ostinato and clipped horn stabs interrupted every few bars by Linda’s off-mic one-word verdicts: ‘TED!’ ‘NO!’ ‘WHAT?!’ The best writing here is the mock-legal register played dead straight, ‘the pavement didn’t file a plea,’ ‘nature bangs the gavel,’ ‘nature has seniority,’ delivered with the wounded dignity of a man who genuinely believes he’s been wronged. The bridge is where it turns from bit to song: the band drops to organ and bass, and Rose lands his one true confession, ‘Fifty-eight has humbled better men than me,’ a line that would break your heart if he weren’t so busy defending himself. It doesn’t have the emotional reach of the quieter cuts in his catalog, and the joke, brilliant as it is, only unfolds the one way; this is a comic set piece, not a grower you’ll return to for the ache. But as craft it’s ruthless, the doo-wop chorus turning martial by the second pass, the whole thing cutting dead into silence before the muttered exit. Proof Rose can build a fully load-bearing song out of the least dignified subject he’s ever touched.
Lyrics
Damn. Be right back
Before you say anything — I tried the bottle Winn-Dixie locked the door the second I walked out There was a Coke in the console, maybe twelve ounces I had a container. I had a plan. I had no doubt I sat behind the wheel and told myself, "Hold on." I've said that all my life. It's always worked for me Turns out there's a statute of limitations—
TED
I'm explaining the physics So I opened the door to improve the trajectory Missed the bottle. Hit the seat. Minor collateral damage
NO
I said minor Then the bottle hit the pavement and rolled under the car At that point, Linda, the negotiation was over
WHAT
Nature made the ruling. I merely complied And naturally, that's when a patrol car drove by
Now tell me who the victim was The pavement didn't file a plea They call it a victimless crime but if there was a victim, it was me
Free to pee, free to pee My own body turned on me No one hurt, no property So why ain't I free to pee (Free-ee-ee-ee to pee-ee-ee-ee) That's all I'm asking (Free-ee-ee-ee to pee-ee-ee-ee) A little understanding Free to pee
Now take the dog next door. Explain him He lifts one leg against my mailbox every day Nobody cuffs him, nobody cites him somebody scratches his head and calls him "good boy" anyway A horse can let go right in the street A pigeon drops evidence from thirty feet But a man obeys the same command—
TED
I'm discussing equal treatment under the law You can write an ordinance, laminate it, frame it — nature never signed a thing Nature never saw your zoning map Nature never read the code And when nature serves the summons brother, somebody's gotta go
Free to pee, free to pee Nature don't need a permit from me Dog gets praise, I get a fee— Tell me where's the equity (Free-ee-ee-ee to pee-ee-ee-ee) It's basic biology (Free-ee-ee-ee to pee-ee-ee-ee) Not public anarchy I didn't choose the time I didn't choose the place I simply answered nature and got paperwork in my face FREE TO PEE
And who decides what's decent anyway Some committee sitting downtown over coffee Were any of them standing in that parking lot Did anybody bother asking me
NO
Exactly Nature gives me orders. That's bad enough Now City Hall wants jurisdiction too One says, "Go!" The other says, "Don't!" And somehow I'm the one who's supposed to know what to do You regulate parking You regulate signs You regulate what day they pick up the trash But when nature bangs the gavel, gentlemen your little ordinance can kiss my—
TED
…constitutional ass
Before there was a courthouse before there was a code a man drank water and sooner or later, he had to go That's not rebellion That's not depravity That's water, patience, gravity — the original authority And don't you laugh, Linda Fifty-eight has humbled better men than me
TED
I'm saying nature has seniority
I wasn't always a man who needed a plan
Ted
FREE TO PEE
(Free-ee-ee-ee to pee-ee-ee-ee!) FREE TO PEE (Free-ee-ee-ee to pee-ee-ee-ee!) No board, no badge, bureaucracy gets seniority over biology Call it indecent, charge your fee — you cannot legislate necessity (Free-ee-ee-ee to pee-ee-ee-ee!) From every dog and every tree (Free-ee-ee-ee to pee-ee-ee-ee!) A basic human liberty I tried the bottle I tried the seat I fought the law and the law fought me So raise your voice for dignity — FREE TO PEE
Ted
…I know
… Damn. Be right back