Municipal Tongue Clamp

From Wazoo In Effigy

Municipal Tongue Clamp

This is where the record finds its center of gravity. Two tracks in, Rose zooms his lens down to a single absurd ordinance and holds it there until it’s monstrous. He builds it at a laid-back pace in a minor key, then keeps knocking the floor out from under you: the crooked figures in the verses, the full-band choke that swallows the line before ‘you’re looking at an auxiliary clamp,’ the way straight 4/4 keeps getting sabotaged by odd bars in the chorus so you never quite settle. The genius is in the delivery, that dry baritone talk-sing reading bureaucratic nonsense with a straight face while a cheerful civic choir chirps ‘Clamp it down, citizen, nice and snug’ like it’s a jingle you’re meant to whistle. The doo-wop bridge is where the joke turns cold: Eddie starts to say the property tax ‘seemed,’ a metallic snap cuts him off, and the sweet backing hum that answers is the most sinister thing on the record. It runs close to six minutes and the mid-section instrumental break, all angular theme traded around in shifting meter, asks patience of anyone who came for the hook. But the payoff, ‘Praise be unto the Municipal Tongue Clamp’ over a grotesque pageant that collapses into a tiny lounge combo cooing ‘Perfect,’ earns it. Randy Newman’s satirical bite crossed with the odd-meter mischief of prog-jazz, this is the strongest thing here, and it holds the room.

Lyrics

Good afternoon, residents The Department of Audible Nuisance would like to remind you that unrestricted articulation is a privilege— —not a mouth right Please remain linguistically available for inspection

Thank you

They put a little window in the payment booth with a laminated chart of Acceptable Truth You stick your chin through aperture B say your legal name and count to three “Ahhh.” Too broad “Ehhh.” Too shrill “Oooo.” That vowel requires a supplemental bill The clerk takes a ruler to the underside checks the lateral wag and the opening wide Then she reaches underneath with a municipal lamp—

—and fits you for a tongue clamp

Clamp it down, citizen nice and snug Keep your adjectives under the rug Clamp it down, neighbor watch that tone Opinions are permitted when properly known One little click for the public good Say only what a reasonable resident should No need to shout No need to stamp You’ve got yourself a Municipal Tongue Clamp

Clamp— click Clamp— click Civic improvement

There’s a Schedule C for sarcasm use a Form 9-D for rhetorical abuse Irony’s legal on alternate weeks if nobody laughs and the applicant speaks slowly Metaphor needs a temporary tag Hyperbole travels in an opaque bag Questions beginning with “Who says so?” must enter through the loading dock below You may criticize weather pavement dogs and certain pre-approved catalogued frogs But mention the budget, the mayor, or the ramp—

—you’re looking at an auxiliary clamp

Proper clamp maintenance is the responsibility of the wearer Do not lubricate with alcohol religion politics romance or information obtained from your brother-in-law If spontaneous honesty occurs remain calm Place both hands where the municipality can see them and hum an approved melody

Not that one

Now Jimmy at the tire shop said the pothole cracked his wheel Mary said the councilman might know how people feel Eddie said the property tax seemed—

Eddie Eddie

Mmmmmmmmm

Excellent compliance, Eddie Your silence has been entered into the permanent record

Soon nobody remembered what the ordinance was for Nobody could ask because asking cost more They built a second office to administer the first then a Department of Unsaying for citizens who’d rehearsed There were inspectors inspecting inspectors for unauthorized inspection and a blue-ribbon panel on mandibular discretion Every mouth in town was certified damp— and nobody knew who ordered the clamp

Clamp it down, citizen nice and snug Sweep the troublesome words under the rug Clamp it down, neighbor mind that tone Your thoughts remain yours—

subject to applicable zoning One little click for the public good Say absolutely nothing like a reasonable resident should No need to think No need to stamp Praise be unto the Municipal Tongue Clamp

MUN-I-CI-PAL

TONGUE

CLAMP

The Department of Audible Nuisance thanks you for your cooperation Your clamp must be renewed annually Late fees begin before you receive this notice

Open wide

Perfect