Doctorate

From Outlandia

Doctorate

The title the parents pinned to his gown finally arrives, and Doctorate is the ceremony that makes it official, Rose stepping fully out of the confessional and into costume, and the disguise fits better than you’d expect. A commencement organ and a snare flourish set the ceremony, then the whole thing charges ahead at a manic clip in G minor, upright piano hammering under a self-satisfied baritone who plays both the man conferring the degree and the man receiving it. The satire is razored and specific: ‘Dean of Strategic Denial, Chair of Blame and Countertrial’ lands like Randy Newman writing for a Sondheim villain, and the chorus hook, ‘If paper bears the title / then paper makes it real,’ is the kind of line that indicts a whole culture in eleven words. The masterstroke is the ceremonial breakdown near the four-minute mark: everything drops away for a dry contralto reciting ‘Twelve crates arrived / no books came out,’ the Nanny’s witness returning yet again as the one honest voice in the building, before the arrangement swells back into that oversized final chorus and the camera-shutter outro. At five-plus minutes the joke does stretch, and a second full run through the chorus tests its own welcome; this rewards the listener who sits with the whole arc rather than the one dipping in for a hook. But as a piece of character writing set to music, it holds the room. Proof Rose can wear a mask and still tell the truth.

Lyrics

Candidates Benefactors Friends of lawful enterprise Kindly take your purchased places Under rented marble skies

One point nine eight four million Should complete what I began Buy the books, obtain the letters Come back as the proper man

Books have margins Tests have keys Deans enjoy correcting me Every hallway has a guard Every honest chair is hard Years of study Rules of form Waiting while the ink gets warm Why should strangers judge my claim Why should effort define my name

Why take the test When I can print it Why join the school When I can invent it Why wait outside And beg admission I brought the funds I grant permission

I grant myself the name I sign beneath the seal If paper bears the title Then paper makes it real No dean can close the gate When I can buy the frame I found the school I make the rules I grant myself the name

Rented lobby, borrowed gowns Faculty from three small towns Portraits painted overnight Columns made of plaster white Students came through magazine ads Credit plans and proud new dads Every course exempt from proof Every classroom leased its roof Dean of Strategic Denial Chair of Blame and Countertrial Department of Advanced Excuse School of Other People’s Use

Why seek approval From the able Buy the building Name the table Why climb the ladder Rung by rung Purchase both ends While you’re young

By authority vested in me By property, stationery And every privilege attached To money properly dispatched— Slump University hereby grants The candidate before us A Doctorate of Malfeasment With full plausible deniability

I accept

Do you swear to defend the standards You established this afternoon

Against all evidence

Twelve crates arrived No books came out A man hung signs And turned about I swept the stage I stacked each chair No student crossed The doorway there

Authority wears velvet sleeves Authority has embossed leaves Authority stands where cameras aim Authority repeats the name A title need not pass a test It only needs a well-dressed guest A photograph, a seal, a fee And someone paid to disagree

I granted myself the name I signed beneath the seal The cameras caught the title So tell me it’s not real No dean can close the gate No fact can spoil the frame I own the school I make the rules Now say my proper name

Doctor Doctor Doctor Slump

Again